three squared days since the last post

I have synesthesia.

I realized this around a week ago at a really grand percussion ensemble concert on campus. Always before when I listened to music live I was very focused in on the music and the sound, too focused maybe to even realize that what I felt as "crunchy" and "wave-like" were not universal feelings about what was going on in the music but a first-level abstraction of what was going on before my eyes.

I see shape-like things.

For a while now I have been discussing with everyone my ideas for a "better" music visualizer (think windows media player, only, you know, better). They ask me: "what do you mean by better? voice recognition?" "No, no," I say, frustrated, "tone, theme, crunchiness, smoothness, how much the music is like a bubble!" And they nod hesitantly, maybe willing to let me and my crazy ideas alone, maybe afraid to admit that they don't know much about music, probably not completely comprehending.

It is not about the music. Or rather, it is. I have a history of being irritated when the music visualizers do not "align" or "fit" to the music, and only now do I realize that it's because the shapes and textures on the screen do not fit with what I feel are the shapes and textures of the music.

So, my "better" music visualizer? Maybe it won't be better for anyone but me. Maybe, there is hope, though. I am not entirely certain that synesthesia is a personal thing, that there is not some universal base case for what is associated with what among people who associate the same this with the same that.

I am going to explore pathways into this, I'm looking into CSound and player-dependent music (there are no mistakes, if you make a "mistake" just go with it, each next part of the music relies on what has already happened, credit a friend I have, I am not certain what my ideas about intellectual property are yet, so if you want to play around with this, talk to me first and I'll pass on the name of this guy so that you can talk to him and potentially credit/acknowledge him).

Wish me luck. In any case, it is really fucking cool, this shape-thing. I have been delighted with it all week.

three months into college

I am three months into college and not yet settled in.
My dorm is far away from main campus, home to 800 students who vary wildly. What we have in common? A hatred for where we live. If you walk fast (very, very fast) and the traffic lights are in your favor you can get to class in 12 minutes. And this is the South, kids, so no one gets to class quicker than 15 or 17 minutes. Sure, you can bike (or even longboard), but many people don't and those who don't hate those who do. That takes anywhere from 5 to 7 minutes, depending on the lights, how dense the sea of people is, and how many people you're willing to mow over.

The view though. I would almost say living all this way away is worth this magnificent view. I'm only on the 4th floor of this 10 floor building, but this is what I see every morning when I wake up and leave my suite.

I have lots of friends and very few good friends. I have lots of invitations to go party and get "crunk with my crew" (this exact wording was used yesterday) but more often than not I end up celebrating someone's birthday with Apples to Apples or going contradancing or enjoying myself quietly in someone's room and honestly, it would be very silly to leave something I'm enjoying to go do something else for the sake of doing it.

Contradancing. I went contradancing for the first time this past Friday night, despite the fact that nearly all my groups of friends are heavily into it and that many people from my high school went regularly. So, I went, finally. It wasn't so bad. It took me a while to get in the hang of things and I wonder if I shouldn't have asked for the guy who asked me to waltz's number. He was nice and I am perpetually looking for new people to hang out with.

College has made me more reliable, I think. I used to have a huge problem with saying I was going to do something with people and then backing out on it at the last minute. It is not that there is more obligation now, but maybe more fear now. Fear that if I back out too many times I won't have any more friends and damn, man. College is lonely.

I think this has been my biggest realization about college so far, which is not very conducive to feeling settled in. From an email address hastily written on the back of an index card declaring "first" in both English and probably Farsi (or maybe Arabic) to cell phones out always and promises and declarations of "hanging out sometime soon" and "coffee or lunch?" and "see you around S building" college is lonely and full of plans and not very much doing.

There is always doing to be had, of course, but more often than not it involves a week of Facebook messages (or for the more ballsy, wall posts) or back-and-forth cell phone calls and a quick run to the ATM for cash, and I just miss spontaneity, you know?

So I find that where I can and spend time with myself a lot. I do the lunch and coffee and the "hanging out sometime soon" and the scribbled email addresses and the cellphone thing, too. I don't kid myself, I'm just as lonely as everyone else, but I'm trying for more here, I am. And I think I'm finally willing to loosen the plans and eat a few meals by myself in exchange for potentially having some unplanned fun.

We'll see.