anxiety

I'm not sure what I'm doing with myself;
yesterday went to a panel, a talk, informal they said 'bout
things that i'm 2 years away from in time but multiply that by a distance, a scalar
and you get where I am now.

I've switched research areas twice and I'm only a first-year, and I'm not sure the current one is where I want to be, and sure it's better than not doing anything at all, but how the hell am I so flaky, do I like anything at all?

Most of my friends are moving off campus next year and it's not that I think that I won't see them ever again, I'm not that dumb, it's just that I value, maybe overvalue, run-ins and spontaneous activity way over plans and I'm honestly really bad at making plans, and sticking to them.
I think it's because I discovered recently that being flexible with plans means more running-in to people, more spontaneous activity, more fun?

I think the sentences in this post are shorter than usual, even.

Doing badly in my favorite class (differential equations), and my emotional state in regard to that class is: how the hell do I deserve to feel so happy and great every time I leave this class if I'm doing so badly?

Short, short, short.

Went to a creative writing fancy shindig the other night with my friend, and I felt out of place. "So are you a creative writing student?" "uuh...no, not quite." "oh, what's your major?" "...computer science."

location

I've had an on-and-off cough / sore throat for the last two weeks; part of me wishes I would just lose my voice for a whole day and have that be it. This just springs up: a flannel fist choking my throat each morning, a 3 minute bout of coughing, a scratchy voice on the telephone.

I "went public" with this blog maybe a month ago (facebook, AIM profile), and since then haven't put anything up that isn't just pictures.

2nd semester is pretty wonderful so far. I'm getting into the groove. Yesterday I was offered a strawberry popsicle: I accepted. I have a fridge full of potatoes, onions, and apples.

I worry about the sustainability of my relationship; it seems sometimes like there is no end to the distance; grad schools and jobs pushing us further and further, but I guess we'll just have to cut our losses sometime in order to be together. No perfect decisions, but some are good ones.

I fly out to LAX this Wednesday. I am so excited. It will be a wonderful 5 days.