attempted changes

I've spent most of today roasting outside in my family's yard doing various work. Pulling out weeds is a strenous intellectual process, but very low in vigour physically. If you pull lightly and it comes out, it's a weed. If it doesn't, it might still be a weed, or it might be a desired plant / root. This second case is when the intellect comes in. Here we have a choice to a) pull harder, b) let go and hope that it really isn't a weed. In all cases but a few I went with the second, pulling up even a few plants was not really an option after the first one.

I'm spending the summer at home in Cary, which was not the plan for most of the year. I was going to sublet Nate, Courtney, and Julia's place and live with Nate and a few other folks. Some family business came up in conjunction with landing an internship at SAS (which happens to be in Cary), and instead of convincing them to let me stay in Chapel Hill regardless of the conditions, they ended up convincing me to stay at home.
I'm not too worried, the process of finding another subletter has gone smoothly so far (although, if you are in need of a place in Chapel Hill June 1 - Aug. 15th, give me a holler), and I like many things about my home (food, piano access, my bed, my family), although I'm sure I'll be raging to go by the end of it. I hope that my mother doesn't end up keeping me virtually locked up in my house due to gas prices, but I'll be mostly financially-self-sufficient this summer, so it'll be fine.

In order to blog more regularly (and update my Facebook profile less), I think I just need to accept static views of my self. As a person, I'm fundamentally very dynamic, changing, with changing ideas and impressions of things. Blog posts are not meant to represent some true or platonic version of myself, and I need to be okay with this. Likewise, my Facebook profile does not need to reflect a constantly true dicta of my activities, interests, and favorites, and I should not expect it to. Okay!

To round out an earlier post: yes, I did drop out of my neuroscience lab. I'm no longer anxious about the signs of shifting research areas a few times in one year, minors (but not majors!) an equal number of times, and losing sight into what I would like to study. I hope that the summer industry internship gives me a solid clue (and maybe even a map) toward what I enjoy, but I have decided to free myself of the boxes of research --> grad. school --> academia. I've done all sorts of kinds of research (experimental / theoretical, biology/psychology, computer science), and haven't enjoyed or been motivated to do any of them. I think this is a sign, finally. I'm not going to give it up for loss, but I think it's kind of dumb to expect that type of life of myself when it's clear that I am not (at least right now) in love with it.